THE AFTERMATH: HEALING AFTER A RELATIONSHIP
It’s no secret that human beings crave companionship; I know the feeling all too well. All too often I have heard women say that they need a man to complete them or make them whole.
In fact at one time, I too felt as though I couldn’t be myself without being in a relationship. I was looking for and needing love or what I thought was love at that time, in all the wrong places.
My drama began in 2007 when I found myself in a relationship with a man who I thought was my world. I even had dreams of a future with him. I dreamt of marriage and living in a house with the white picket fence. The words he whispered in my ears and the dreams he sold to me made me feel good, causing me to truly believe that he was the man for me.
When I look back now, I am reminded of how much God loved me then and still loves me now. His grace kept me. After a few years into the relationship, it was on a Tuesday morning when he took me to work, like he would normally do, but this time he returned during lunch time and said he had something he needed to say to me. I was busy at that time so I ask him to give me a few minutes.
Well I guess he couldn’t wait or didn’t really have the guts to look me in the face, because by the time as I turned around he was gone. Prior to him leaving, he wrote a note on a little piece paper which read “I am getting married on Friday”, bearing in mind it was Tuesday.
Little did I know he was in another committed relationship with another woman the same time he was in a relationship with me!
Words cannot describe what I was feeling at that moment; it was as if my heart was coming out of my chest. I thought it was a joke at first but at that moment I couldn’t laugh; I felt hurt, embarrassed, ashamed and broken all at the same time. At that moment I blamed and question myself: Why couldn’t I see it? Was I that much in love? Were there signs and I just didn’t see them? Or maybe, I just didn’t want to see them. I asked myself how can I go on? Will I be able to find love again?
At this point I couldn’t trust another man again. I began to hate the male species. But today, I am a testimony that if you allow God to come into your heart, He will mend it and teach you how to love yourself first and then learn how to love others. You can heal from anything!
The process of healing for me was not an easy one, oh no, by no means; and it didn’t happen overnight. It took me almost 5 years to recover, heal and move on in a way that was manageable for me.
My sisters, never mind the opinions of others who tell you to just get over it. Everyone heals in their own time and in God’s allotted time, you will heal. Your singleness is not a curse or a death sentence; there is healing and forgiveness for you. A part of my healing came when I forgive him. I did it for myself, so that I could move on.
My friends, even though companionship is a strong desire for both single men and women, you can read all the self help books, watch all the movies and go to all the seminars but here’s the honest truth: THERE IS NO FORMULA OR COURSE THAT CAN GUARANTEE YOU A COMPANION.
Moving forward I took the time out to rediscover me and to develop myself not because I thought something was wrong with me but because I was worth it! But truthfully, for a moment I thought that there was something wrong with me. And you may be thinking something is wrong with you, but honey, there is nothing wrong with you. God created you in His image and likeness. There is someone out there for you. Perhaps it’s time for you to take a deeper look at what God desires for you and how effective you can be for Him. Allow him to prepare you for your potential mate.
If I could go back in time, the advice I would give my younger self, is to take time out to enjoy you. Learn to be patient with yourself, love yourself first and most importantly WAIT ON GOD! The person that is meant for you is out there, if Ruth can find her Boaz, so can you.
My sisters, there is healing for you. It’s up to you to decide whether to remain broken or to be brave enough to stand up and move on. You must learn to forgive, learn to love again and to learn to have confidence in who you are and what you offer.
Take time out to share your story, be an inspiration to your fellow sisters. Moreover, I have discovered that in life there is always a TESTIMONY in every TEST, so don’t be afraid to share it!
Hollis R. Cox